Yesterday, I discovered there has been a cover up going on at corporate concerning the processing of my garnishment, which should have finished the second pay period in Aug. Immediately, my grits were burned as I made call after call trying to track down the source of the issue and rectify it. How dare they not account for MY money and not seem to truly care about the 5 paycheck error currently in progress? How dare they pass the buck and give me no less than 5 different stories about what really happened? I was hot as fish grease on the phone and in person at HR.
(Yes, I have the audacity to be fired up about a forced payment for a legitimate debt from years ago that I have never even made an attempt to pay of my own volition. Lol yes, I know. Bless my heart, Jesus.)
I called my mom, left a voicemail. Called Crystal, left a voicemail. Of course when I needed to rant and rave there was no captive audience. In the voicemails, I made sure my voice sounded as flat and despondent as possible to ensure a quick return call. My mom finally called me back and I relayed the story to her and in the process moved from anger to the real emotion, hurt. I was deeply offended that something of this magnitude could happen to moi. How is this possible? In my most recent count, (because of course I’m still keeping a lopsided count of my errors) I’m not due for such retribution.
My mom being who she is, prayed for me that HR would fully research and resolve the issue, that I would trust God in the meantime. At the end of her prayer, the tears came. I grudgingly said amen and she made me say it again like I actually meant it. The second time, I did let go of my hurt and anger and actually agree.
As I am waiting for the payroll surpervisor to call me this mornig, this incident is example #674,896,554 of how extremely easily offended I have been for quite some time now. It seems with each passing year, my skin gets thinner and thinner. And it takes longer and longer to let go of the offense and allow myself to recover. Or maybe it’s that I’m not recovering at all, merely putting away wounds in storage, for that great and mighty day when they all will be justified and or rewarded. How did I become so entitled to feeling like no one or nothing should ever come against me? Who am I to rank as such? Funny that my identity struggle has been truly seeing myself as the royal daughter of a loving Father and King who would move heaven and earth to keep me covered, yet I’ve raised myself to such a level as to be untouchable. And yet, my elevation has proven to be quite problematic, prolly because I’m the one holding myself off of the ground and also powering the invisible bubble that should be incubating me from the world’s attacks. In other words, being (a small, distorted sad little version of) God to and for myself.
So how has this fraud and impersonation been working out for me? Yeah, um, about that. Not so much. So once again, I return to the scene of the crime against the only one who has never committed one yet took on the punishment for all who have past, present and future and say for the 976th time that I give up, I abdicate the throne of my life. No two weeks notice, no time to find another suitable replacement, just effective immediately. The vacancy is not posted because it is not nor will it ever be an external position, though I sometimes let externals intern unchecked.
Lord, I want to be able to legit in addressing You as such because I have willingly given You that place in my heart. I thought about giving You this prayer with my hands zip tied behind my back to circumvent the urge to unabdicate and return to my throne in full glory, but I realize You need them open and available. Even though I’m ready to give myself a time out from being effective for You, You see the bigger picture and have provided grace for me to get right back up and get back on track fully assembled, pity parties not included.
So today, right now, I see myself as You see me: fully restored and covering
still intact, with all rights, privileges and responsibilities of being Yours, of belonging to You. I have Your ear and Your heart. Most important, I have Your words to guide me into the best place possible. Thank You that You always speak, whether I choose to listen or not, because You have faith that one day I will. And then the next day I will. And the day after that. And one day soon, You’ll be the center of my heart, the first one I go to before checking Facebook or Twitter, before anyone else. Thank You that You are patient and consistent to pursue because You have planned a good purpose for me, to bring out and utilize all of the gifts You placed inside of me. While I’ve been waiting for You to make a way for me to magically have a job that serves the purpose You put in me, You’ve been waiting for me to chill out and stop giving You orders on what that specifically looks like and start trusting that You already know and have prepared what it looks like.